I recently started to read some of Marianne Williamson’s books, an author that I had seen several times as a public speaker, but whom I had not read. I have to say that her words are making a deep impact in my life right now in many different ways, mainly, by keeping me honest about my dark sides and how used I am to cover them up by focusing on “serving” others.
One of her books that called my attention is A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever. When I ordered it, it seemed like a great guide for my clients in their weight loss process, as most of them come to me for support as a health coach to accompany them in that journey. (Yes, I know: our clients will always mirror our own issues). I thought it would be so cool to offer a phone group coaching program using that text and having my clients work on the exercises included as a way to become reacquainted with the emotional and spiritual issues underlying excess weight. We would then share in the group setting and process together, as I coached each participant on ways to overcome the issues.
When the book arrived, I started reading it and doing the exercises myself. And suddenly it dawned on me: the volume was screaming at me loud and clear: “This book is first and foremost for YOU!”
Dah! Why didn’t I think about this before? I am the one with weight issues, I am the one who has survived eating disorders, I am the one who is still dealing with accepting her body as it is. “Hmmm…” I said to myself. “Now I get it! I became a health coach because I went through all this already, and I’m still working on it. But I tend to focus on other people and support THEM overcome THEIR issues.” “Come on, now,” said my Not Thin Me (la “gordita”)—a character I have been having extensive conversations with lately. “Who are you trying to deceive? You have been hiding behind your ‘expertise and authority’ as a coach, when you can’t even release those last 15 pounds that need to melt away by the end of September, for your daughter Violeta’s wedding, so that you can fit into that lovely dress you bought two sizes smaller, as it was the last one they had in stock!”
Although that hurt, I had to agree with la Gordita. I bought this dress more than a month ago in the absolute certainty that if I decided to, I would release the extra weight by the wedding. But I was wrong: although I have been eating a quite “impeccable” plant-based diet, no sugar, no gluten, no animal products, no alcohol nor coffee, and I have been exercising six days a week, I haven’t lost a gram. “What’s wrong with my body?” I keep asking myself in despair. “I should be able to do this. I COACH people on how to eat better and lose weight, for crying out loud!”
Angered, I go back to Marianne’s book, and she reminds me that there’s still work to be done. I have not dealt with my “pain body”–as Eckart Tolle calls it: the stored repressed feelings that we carry around our body as a “padding,” (as Shirley likes to call it), as excess weight. And I humbly embark in a journey of introspection to get in touch with those unprocessed feelings that become the “burden” that I have not let go of yet.
So, early every morning, I dedicate my practice of journaling to really delving deep into those repressed feelings that are hindering my ability to move forward. What is coming up is really amazing as it allows me to see clearly so many patterns in myself that I have hidden behind my outward behaviors: my alleged givingness to others as I support them in solving THEIR problems. What a wonderful and acceptable way of masking that core that is keeping me stuck in my old ways and is not allowing me to express fully, as it’s holding the “secrets” unsolved and stored in my mid-section!
The identification of these repressed feelings is not a shaming exercise. It’s a way of highlighting them to later press the “delete” key with the power of forgiveness. It’s quite a process that includes pain, sorrow and shame, and I know it’s helping me to grow in so many ways.
A necessary part of this growth process is to become honest in public. This is very new to me. It’s my coming out as la Gordita. I usually don’t talk about myself, as I’m generally the one who is lending her ear to those who need to talk. But opening up is part of my own healing process. As I acknowledge publicly my own journey, I become a mirror for those who travel similar paths, reflecting back to them the face of a fellow traveler.
If this resonates with you, come walk with me. I will be offering an 8 session phone group coaching program using these principles and personalized attention starting Wednesday August 21, and ending November 27, right before Thanksgiving. I envision it to be quite a ride, and I will be there to support you and learn together. Please save the dates. For more info, please go here
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